TCKDating

Third Culture Kid Dating; adults who have spent their developmental years outside their parent's culture

Don’t forget those who fell for you!

9 Comments

I remember so many times when I was single and dating that people would ask me: How are you still single? You’re great. That would drive me nuts. It doesn’t work like that, does it? I’d rather they not say anything. It’s about so many other things. It’s about timing, chance, time you have to dedicate to it, and focus. Sometimes someone might really like you for instance, and that could have started a relationship there and then. But you’re simply not attracted to them. Or you go on a first date, but just don’t feel it. You’re bored on that date. You don’t feel a spark. And even though you get that text, you simply send a polite text back about having had a nice time and staying friends. Well, I’m sorry but, that’s one of the reasons people are still single. Because they don’t want to settle. And they haven’t met a person yet who makes them laugh like crazy and feel like they can be themselves. They haven’t met someone who they admire. Who they like. Doesn’t mean they’re not going on dates and meeting people who like them!

You might have that guy friend whose always showed you that he’s into you, but again you’re just not that into him. It’s funny because people always forget all of the people that DID fall for them. Hard. Who called them after that night out. Who texted them. Who wanted a second date. Who wanted to be with them.  It’s almost as if those guys count less in your memory in terms of how successful you are at dating. Well, hello, you are doing well. It’s just that you’re not into them.

We ignore the ones who did fall for us, and we only think about the few who didn’t text back. And I’m sure, your automatic thought will be that, no that doesn’t happen to me: I can’t remember the last guy who was into me. But then you’ll realize, there was that guy at uni who kept following me around. But since you weren’t interested in him, you didn’t make a mental note of him as someone who liked you. Or that guy at work who spent a lot more time than necessary chatting to you at your desk. Asking if you might have some time to go for a coffee or tea.  Again, since you weren’t into him, you didn’t acknowledge him as a guy who liked you. Instead you’re focused on the fact that you haven’t had any luck with guys. Well, maybe you haven’t met someone you fancy who likes you back. But a good thing to remember is all of those who felt you’d rocked their world. They just didn’t rock yours.

Well, see, sometimes you have to remember those ones and those times. To make you think. No, it’s not only me. Yes, there are things you can always do to improve your chances of meeting someone. But remember those guys who were falling head over heels for you. You’re fantastic. You just haven’t met the guy who you like… and of course who realizes you’re awesome.

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9 thoughts on “Don’t forget those who fell for you!

  1. Olivia, as a fellow TCK, it’s really wonderful to read your posts and know that you’re voicing such a relevant perspective for people like us. It’s also really cool to get a female TCK’s perspective. For more than two years, I also blogged about cross-cultural relationships and love, specifically focused on the Arab world, but also relevant to a general audience. Feel free to check it out (www.LOVEanon.org).

    Keep up the great work, and I look forward to reading more of your posts 🙂

    • That’s really sweet! Thanks. It’s funny because growing up I didn’t really think much about it. Having moved around tons, I just thought it was normal! It’s all you know. But then, I think as you start settling down or seeing others around you in your 20s or 30s who have had a very different experience to you, you start realizing that you are slightly different to others in that way. I’ll definitely have a read through your blog! As I agree, I’d be really interested in knowing what the male perspective on all of this TCK-ness is! 🙂

      • I’d be happy to share 🙂 Yes, you’re right, you do understand that your narrative is so starkly different than many others that it does effect everything–including attraction, love, and dating. For me, it makes me feel like I need to do a lot more exploring in terms of who I am compatible with and who I am not, and to be honest, there are certain qualities of my own life that I am finding are largely non-negotiable anymore (such as a love of travel, including living outside of their native country, and being able to identify with my fragmented self).

        On another note, you’re absolutely on point with this post. I’m very guilty of this myself; we tend to redact the memories of these people in our past who did really like us. It’s sad, however, c’est la vie. I agree with you, though, that we need to empathize more with others when we are turned down. Deep attraction and the feeling of comfort around a stranger aren’t “dime a dozen” phenomena, so we need to stop treating that way. It’s unique for a reason!

  2. Wow, I feel like I’m hearing myself talk! So true! I completely and utterly agree that it is a ‘dime a dozen’ phenomenon! I found it ridiculously hard to find people that I 1. really connect with 2. find they understand me and 3. that I’m actually very attracted to. And that’s why I think it’s so hard. And I also think that’s why we pine over people who didn’t fancy us longer than we should. Because it often feels like there are so few out there! So we hold on to those memories.

    • Absolutely! Someone I consider very wise once said that, to him, love IS understanding. So, imagine how difficult it is for anyone (e.g., TCKs) who often struggle with acceptance, identity, and being understood. Logically, it makes sense. It is hard (though not impossible) to find those individuals who DO truly understand us (whether other TCKs or not), simply because we each think that our own personal narrative is so unique. What I try to remind myself, though, is that someone doesn’t need to also grow up in a conservative Arab Christian home in rural America to get me. Someone, like yourself for instance, could connect with me in so many ways, even if the details are different, simply because the effects and outcomes are strikingly similar regardless.

  3. I 100% agree. I think it doesn’t have to be a TCK necessarily. It can simply be someone who a) is either really intuitive and wants to understand what you’re about and not make fun or judge customs you may have picked up in the countries you live in or b)has had very similar experience of moving around, even in different countries than you! That’s why I’m launching a Dating site for TCKs in London. I want to help people meet others like them. Or at least meet locals who have a real interest in understanding how they’ve grown up, who they are, and why the behave in the ways they do.

  4. Deal! I’ve only been through the first post, and there’s a lot to take in. So it might take me a bit of time! But it’s really good. And maybe you could do a guest post on my blog! That’d be great.

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